To: the Advice Columnist Whose Column I Like to Read

Hello E,

I read your column once a month when I get the magazine that hosts your column.  I read the magazine because of your column, even though I frequently disagree with you -- you just write in a way that cracks me up.  Also, this particular magazine frequently has styles and articles I find interesting... don't get too big a head over my adoration of your words...

Now, I read an article in said magazine about a woman who lives in Paris with a cat and has an impossibly hip flat that she decorates with her own astounding creativity.  It was nice reading the brief rundown of how her family inspired her art and how she ended up in France.  It was really a lovely article, yet, at the end, my first thought was "I wonder why she's single".

If you're thinking "would you say that if she'd been a he?" and the answer is "yes".  When I love an actor or writer, I like looking them up and finding out they were married and had families.  I love seeing what I consider to be a happy ending for someone I like or respect.  Male, female, transgender, I don't care.  I want a happy ending, and to me, that means finding someone to love.

My second thought after reading the article was "why do I think that way?  Why does it matter if she's single?"  I began going through the usual rundown of society makes us that way, men have conditioned us to need them, or the corporate machine needs us to buy into the myth of love and monogamy to keep Valentine's Day and Romances in the works. 

Those could all be solid points.  Sometime in the past men may have created the sentiment that women needed to be ruled by them, so we needed to belong to them to be valid.  Certainly corporations need us to believe that cards and movies and candies are the best ways to connect to other people.  Society does indeed put pressure on people, implying that being single is a terrible thing, or that monogamy is the only right way to be.

The thing is, I don't think any one person should belong to another.  I don't care about cards any more than once in awhile I love a small note from someone, even a little heart on a scrap of paper.  I love movies but prefer films that are art or comedy or excellently put together.  Romances are not at the top of my list.  I don't judge people if they openly date more than one person at a time, and I don't think that, on a basic level, there's really anything innately wrong with people who don't date or have sex--people who remain single.

So why, then, does that question pop into my head?  The answer is actually fairly straightforward.  My husband infuriates me sometimes.  He annoys me, doesn't listen to me all the time, and sometimes I have no idea how the heck we're even having a conversation.  That said, when I'm home, when I'm at work, and even when I'm mad at him, all I want is to be near him.  It's not that society programmed that into me.  Maybe it was because I was alone a lot as a teenager, and maybe some small part of society made me feel lonely.  But that doesn't change the fact that he's the one I always want to be near.  I've been angry at family, friends, coworkers, and when I'm pissed, I want to walk away.  With my husband, I sometimes have to walk away because half of me is furious and half of me just wants to curl up in his arms.  To avoid dwelling on the anger, I have to separate myself, even though I don't want to do so.  As upset as I am, the thing that makes me feel better is being with him.

I don't really care if people have children.  I don't care if people get married, and I could not possibly care less if they marry someone of the same gender or different.  But some part of me empathizes sincerely with favorite actors, admired writers, and inspiring artists.  I want these people to be happy, and because, to me, the greatest joy is having one person who loves me and whom I love--one person to be with, to trust, and to respect above everyone else --to me, monogamy is fantastic, and despite my understanding that not everyone wants or needs that kind of relationship--instinctively I want people to have it. 

I don't think there's actually anything wrong with 40 year old virgins, or with 50 year old single folks.  I don't believe that it's a problem if a person doesn't want a relationship or doesn't mind being single.  All I know is if I'm not thinking carefully, I just kind of want people to be in a steady relationship.  When I do think carefully, I realize I just want them to be happy.